Do you every wish you could rewind the clock?

So....I haven't really posted about this DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) yet, partly because it's difficult to talk about and partly because I haven't really accepted the reality of it.  I mean, I should.  How many people look at a journal and see that several people have written in it, all of them you, but only one handwriting is familiar?

This is a drawing a 5 year old version of me drew.  Freaked me the hell out, let me tell you.  She's the only alter that comes out almost daily at night and that I've been forced to accept to some degree.  From what others tell me, she is pleasant and kind; a good kid.  She's a helluva Lego fan.

There are other alters who can each be big pains in the ass.  It's one of these guys that got me into trouble the other day and made me miss the veterinary conference I'd been looking forward to for ages.  I'm not sure who it was yet, but I have my guesses.

People with DID often get flash backs to downright terrifying things that happened in the past; things that they don't remember.  For me, their intensity varies.  When I'm focused at work, they very rarely happen.  When I'm home or alone, they can come fast and furious.  Thursday night was one of those nights where every second thought brought me to places I'm not sure I'll ever be able to talk about.  There's a medication I take called Seroquel.  It helps to reduce or minimize the flash backs.  When it's really bad, I take two.  One of the side effects is drowsiness, which isn't a big deal if you're already headed to bed.  Unfortunately my alters tend to come out when I'm tired or my defenses are down.  Oft times I'll feel a fuzziness when one of them is pushing their way forward and if I try hard enough, I can push them back down.

For reasons yet discovered, I'm not a big fan of crowds, loud noises or bright lights, all of which are front and center during a nationwide veterinary conference.  One of my alters finagled a way out of going.  They ransacked the drug cupboard and put a big dent in what was inside.  As a result I semi-woke the next morning, slurring my words and feeling like the dog's breakfast.  I slept until 5 pm, missing everything.   I realize that they, in their way, were trying to protect me from the stresses of the conference, but upset was an understatement on my part.

I have an alter named 'Beth' who doesn't physically manifest herself, but who is always watching and keeping track of what everyone else is doing.  She'll likely snitch on whoever overdosed during my next therapy session.  Like I said, I have my guesses.


For an excellent source of information on DID, check out:

http://www.dissociative-identity-disorder.org/